Crashing Into Nature: Survivor Guilt and Butterflies

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Good morning to you on World Mental Health Day.  I want to re-post a piece I wrote for an excellent local mental health organization called Dissonance and share with you some struggles I had as a teen,  which sometimes linger and loiter into my adult years.

This blog was originally posted on the wonderful Dissonance blog,  a mental health + creativity support organization whose mission is as follows “Dissonance examines the intersection of creativity and wellbeing, working to create safe spaces, smash social stigmas, and shape education and business practices relating to mental health, addiction, and compassion in the arts. In short, we want to contribute to a healthier environment in the arts community. Collectively, we need to find new ways to support, sustain, and celebrate creativity.”

Please be sure to follow their work,  check out their programming,  and enjoy their blog at www.dissonance.website

Crashing into Nature: Survivor Guilt and Butterflies

I could easily say, “I wasn’t your normal American teenager,” but I don’t think there is such a thing as a “normal teenager” … or even “normal” in general. Sometimes I’ve heard that your first trauma is where you might stay stuck developmentally. And I wonder if that’s why often I feel reckless and distracted, and consistently on an emotional roller coaster, like the 16-year-old I was when I rolled my parents’ Buick LeSabre and hung upside down by my seat belt while the trance music blasted and the car interior bathed eerie electric green from the clock on the dash.

“I Have Wrestled With The Angel And I Am Stained With Light” – Mary Oliver / April 2018 Newsletter

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Good morning, sunshine …

To begin,  a quote by Mary Oliver from a stirring article twitter brought to my awareness via Brian Pickings:

“It is six A.M., and I am working. I am absentminded, reckless, heedless of social obligations, etc. It is as it must be. The tire goes flat, the tooth falls out, there will be a hundred meals without mustard. The poem gets written. I have wrestled with the angel and I am stained with light and I have no shame. Neither do I have guilt. My responsibility is not to the ordinary, or the timely. It does not include mustard, or teeth. It does not extend to the lost button, or the beans in the pot. My loyalty is to the inner vision, whenever and howsoever it may arrive. If I have a meeting with you at three o’clock, rejoice if I am late. Rejoice even more if I do not arrive at all.” – Mary Oliver

 

Mary Bue hiking Devisadero trail during Artist in Residence

Thoughts on Devisadero

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Thoughts on the trail during my artist residency …

I just crested staying over two months in Taos, New Mexico as an Artist in Residence at the Wurlitzer Foundation.  A few days after I arrived here I sought out the Devisadero Loop Trail,  a section / foothill of the Sangre de Cristo mountains.  It begins around 7,000 feet above sea level and makes its way to 8,300 feet.  Needless to say,  my Minnesota lungs were winded.  I was such a PILE on the first hike.  Took me 2.5-3 hours and I was exhausted on those early days of being here.  Now I’m run/hiking it,  and just had my best time at 1:10.

“Devisadero” has a few searchable meanings – could be from the Spanish word for ‘division.’ The forest service says it means “lookout place” and that “the peak had once been used by the Taos Pueblo Indians to stand guard against the Apaches who would come down Taos Canyon to raid the Pueblo.” Or it might be from the word divisar, meaning similarly ‘to gaze at something from a distance.’

Arrived in Taos for 3 months as a fancy Artist in Residence

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Greetings friends!  I hope this finds you well,  late January,  morning, afternoon, evening.  I’m not sure how much I’ll blog but I’m off of my personal facebook so I need some sort of outlet!

I arrived on Tuesday evening to my casita at the Helene Wurlitzer Foundation where I will be an artist in residence for 3 months.  Just a little over a week ago I had a wonderful send off party at Icehouse Minneapolis (lots of buzz about it – SO grateful for the press! Read the previews & show reviews & interviews here) and then I hustled in a procrastinatory way to get everything in check in Minneapolis,  secure the yoga studio with its amazing instructors, pack up my house and hit the road …

I am opening a YOGA STUDIO in MINNEAPOLIS!

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Super crazy wildly excited to announce that I just signed a lease to OPEN A YOGA STUDIO IN MINNEAPOLIS!!! WOW WOW WOW! It all happened very fast (within two weeks! Kinda like my engagement! HA!) and may seem totally out of the blue BUT I am thrilled beyond belief and feel so peaceful and excited about it! It will be called Imbue Yoga and is in the space that is currently Yoga for Every Body in the Corcoran neighborhood of Minneapolis, near Seward / Powderhorn Park. Grand opening in late May or June after some renovations!

 

Veal: behind the song

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Join us for the music video release party for “Veal” on December 13th 2015 at The Red Herring Lounge in Duluth, MN.  5 pm!  Screening of the video plus live music by Toby Thomas Churchill,  Katy Vernon,  Mary Bue + the Holy Bones.  $5.  10% of proceeds go to the Humane Society. Optional vegan potluck starts at 5 – bring a dish if you want + tons of vegan cookies for all.  Video produced by Jon Hain w/ assistant Angelica Engel.  Video will be live on the web shortly after!

It feels trite to say that I’ve always loved animals.

Trite because it’s such an understatement. But the truth IS I love animals!  I grew up with dogs,  fish,  rabbits and cats.  In the country,  surrounded by deer, squirrels,  chipmunks,  birds and all sorts of varmints.  I got to see exotic animals in zoos and books and fell in love with pandas and koala bears,  dolphins and orcas.  I had a dream in junior high and high school of becoming a veterinarian and helping sick,  injured animals or a marine biologist and learning about ocean life.  I took horse riding lessons and studied dog and cat breeds.  I drew their pictures and wore t-shirts and puffy sweaters with animals all over them.

Tuning into your sixth sense with the Ajna Chakra

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Your hair is standing on end. You KNEW you shouldn’t have but you did anyway.  You had this feeling in your gut that something was just a little off but you brushed it aside and went ahead.  Your dream last night told you to change your mind but it was just a dream … Something was fishy.  Your head hurt,  your legs were twitchy,  you got chills,  you got butterflies (not the fun kind).  And then,  even though you thought through it and used all of your logic and blasted forth with your plan,  it ALL fell apart.  Maybe you lost some money.  Maybe all of your techie gadgets crashed.  Or worse,  maybe someone betrayed you or an accident befell you.  But you KNEW if you had only listened to that tiny voice or feeling in the background that ALL of this could have been avoided …

Find your voice: throat chakra talk

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Small talk,  deep talk,  chit chat,  white lies,  subversion,  “elephants in the room,”  exuberance,  speaking your truth,  singing,  clearing your throat — when it comes to living “authentically” it’s all about your voice.  And well beyond words,  it’s about finding your truth and expressing it.

Tweet: When it comes to living authentically it's all about your voice. Beyond words, it's about finding your truth & expressing it. @marybuemusic

Click to tweet: When it comes to living authentically it’s all about your voice. Beyond words, it’s about finding your truth & expressing it. @marybuemusic

The 5th chakra is called the Visuddha chakra,  located at the throat and basking in the color blue.  In my last four blog posts I’ve been veering towards the self-help,  self-reflection section of the book store rather than music business tips + news.  In my other life I’m a yoga instructor and have been teaching a series on the chakras to child and family therapists at a community health center.   Chakras,  to those of you wondering WTF,  are energy centers/wheels in our emotional/spiritual bodies and according to yogic,  buddhist and new age belief,  hold keys to our attitudes,  imbalances,  and spiritual growth.  You might find it total BS,  but maybe you’re into self reflection and some of the following may ring true.